I suck at Easter.
I just don't get it. I'm great at Good Friday though. Pain, misery, death, humiliation--yeah, I know all about that! But resurrection? Rebirth? Victory? You gotta be kidding me!
Especially now when I'm no longer certain about what I believe. What do you do with Easter when you can no longer say the Apostles Creed with confidence anymore? What do you do when everyone around you is saying, "He is risen," and all you can muster up is, "Maybe?"
You know how in Narnia it was always winter and never Christmas? I feel like with me faith, it's always Good Friday and never Easter. All my previously held beliefs about God are dead. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an atheist. I still believe in God. But my certainty about who and what God is is dead. It hangs there dead on the cross. Darkness covers the land. Along with the disciples, I say, "Whelp, that's it then, isn't it? This whole journey has been a waste of time. I guess it's time for everyone to go back home." Right?
That's when I think about the Doctor.
On the TV show Doctor Who, every time the Doctor is about to die, he regenerates into a new incarnation of himself. He's still a 900-year-old Time Lord traveling across time and space in his blue box, but everything else changes about the Doctor. He gets a new face, a new wardrobe, and new adventures. The story of the Doctor continues.
The old Doctor has to die in order to give birth to the new Doctor. After death comes regeneration. Maybe this is what resurrection is.
So maybe my old beliefs have to die in order for new beliefs to emerge. Maybe these doubts are just the birth pangs of something new that's about to be born. Right now it's really scary because there's so much uncertainty. But Sunday will come.