An Agnostic Christian?

(Image found at Confessions of a Doubting Thomas.)

Every once in a while I'll get this nagging thought in the back of my head that someday, someway (cue Marshall Crenshaw), someone will ask me, "Why do you believe in God? How do you know there is a God?"

Sure, I could probably answer with my "testimony" about how God saved me from myself. I could point out all the complexities of nature. But that's all subjective. When an atheist or an agnostic asks, "Why do you believe in God?" they're not looking for subjectivity. They want an objective and concrete piece of evidence proving that there is something out there.

And if I can be honest with you, I don't think there is a way to prove God's existence (or even God's nonexistence) objectively.

So I guess in that sense you can call me an agnostic Christian. I believe, yet don't have any physical evidence. I believe, yet am always quick to point out that I could be wrong. I believe, yet all the while asking, "Well, what if . . . ?"

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not going through one of my crises of faith. In fact, I think I'm in a pretty good place spiritually right now. It's just that I've seen a couple of my friends drift from evangelicalism to progressive Christianity to atheism/agnosticism. And I can't but wonder, "How do I know that the same thing won't happen to me?"

I almost walked away from it all a few months ago.

After years of doubts and questions, one day I suddenly realized that the kind of Christianity I knew no longer made sense. How can God be good while millions of children around the world go hungry? How can God be good when I'm in so much pain? How can God be good when God will send me to Hell for being queer? How can God be good when a little boy can stand in front of a church and sing "Ain't No Homos Gonna Make it to Heaven?" At that point I literally hated God. So much so that if I ever saw Jesus, I would have punched him in the face.

Since then it's been a process of deconstructing all that I ever thought about God. But instead of walking away from God, I discovered that I've just been worshiping a bad god! Through process theology, I learned that God works with us in restoring this broken world. I learned that believing in God did not mean I had to deny evolution. I learned that there is enough room in God's Kingdom for a bi guy like me. And that's why I still believe.

This is just my personal experience, though. I have no concrete objective evidence for God's existence/nonexistence. All I have is my story.

This Week In Cool Stuff: 05/26/12

-Over at Anarchist Reverend, Shay talks about all the "shoulds" in his life:

I should be out protesting injustice everywhere and getting arrested, I should be living in a communal house, I should be educating lots of people about trans* issues, I should be updating this blog more, I should be engaging in more conversations about queer inclusion in the church, I should go out more often with friends, I should read less and be more social, I should show up at community events, I should, I should, I should.

And then when I don’t do these things I feel guilty. Weighed down by feeling like I am not a good enough Christian, not a good enough radical, not a good enough person.

Story of my life!

-Jessica Bowman at Bohemian Bowmans writes about getting rid of all the evangelical guilt in her life:

I could only lay in bed at night, weeping and gnashing my teeth in the hedge of fire that had been created around me.  I felt nothing but guilt, all the time.  Nothing but inadequacy. Nothing but failure.  Every time I wasn’t perfectly loving to my children, every time I didn’t channel my inner Kirk Cameron and ask the lady at the drive thru window if she had ever told a lie …

Once again, story of my life!

-Addie Zierman at How To Talk Evangelical teaches us about "organic Christianity:"

To me, organic faith looks less like a tidy, three-minute testimony and more like seeds strewn across so much time. It is less about inviting my neighbor to church, more about inviting her over for coffee. It’s not really about sending my kids off to Sunday School class, but rather standing with them in the rain as it falls, telling them, God is here! He’s giving the plants a drink of water. Isn’t that cool?

-Fred Clark at Slacktivist explains how St. Peter was right and Al Mohler is wrong about homosexuality:

For Peter, his rooftop vision wasn’t about kosher dietary laws — it was about people. He says this explicitly: “God has shown me that I should not call anyone profane or unclean.”

That’s a very different conclusion from the one Mohler draws. Mohler says this story — this scripture — is about purity laws. Peter says this story is about God’s commandment that no people should be excluded as impure.

I’m going to have to side with Peter on this one. Peter was right. Mohler is wrong.

Reminds me of the Ethiopian Eunuch in Acts 8. Eunuchs were considered unclean under the law of Moses. Yet in the Bible, we see Philip baptize an Ethiopian eunuch. Makes you think, don't it?

-And finally, congratulations to Jeff Goins on the birth of his first child!

Have I Gone Too Far?

(Image found at The Moderate Voice.)

I'm still not sure if I went too far last Wednesday.

On one had, I've received comments from women saying, "Yes! Thank you! We already put way too much unnecessary pressure on ourselves." But on the other hand, I've also had friends comment and say, "No, you got it all wrong! That's not what Nicole was saying at all!"

I probably should have written that blog post in a less angry manner. And what Nicole wrote wasn't anywhere near anything that You-Know-Who has ever said. But something about Nicole's blog post just rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it reminded me way too much of why I've become disillusioned with American evangelicalism.

As long-time readers will know, I've been on a spiritual journey during the past couple of years. I've been deconstructing a lot of my previously-held beliefs, and in the process I've realized that there are just some things about evangelicalism that just don't work for me anymore.

I no longer believe that being LGBT is a sin (of course, being a bisexual man, I could be biased).

I no longer believe that marriage is the ultimate goal of the Christian life (although I still believe marriage is a wonderful gift).


I have a different view of original sin.

I believe that women can and should be ordained.

Plus, I'm still recovering from a lot of the spiritual abuse I went through with my ex's family. I don't want to get into too much detail, but for now I'll just say they were your stereotypical Bible-thumpers who thought they held a monopoly on truth.

I just feel like a lot of evangelicalism is based on fear, shame, and guilt. It says you're saved by grace, and then it gives you a long list of rules in order to proved that you are a "true Christian." Well, quite frankly, I'm done with all that stuff. Yes, I want to live a holy life, but I don't want to trade one form of legalism for another. I want abide in God's love, not religion's demands.

So I guess that's why I reacted so strongly towards Nicole's blog post. Did I go too far? I might have. Could I have written it in a calmer voice? Yeah, I could. I just get so frustrated sometimes when I feel like other people just don't get it.

This Week In Cool Stuff: 05/19/12

-Brian McLaren guest posts over Seabury Next to clear up a few misunderstandings about the emerging church. Excerpt:

Focusing on “style” is part of what the emerging church is emerging from. The emerging church represents a turn from preoccupation with structure and style towards content, towards the primary and primal meaning of the gospel in our world today.  If we “get” that meaning of the gospel – that God’s kingdom (or dream, or commonwealth, or kin-dom, or beloved community) is available now, within reach, inviting all to participate – then we realize that style (whether traditional “smells and bells” or hipster tattoos and piercings) isn’t the point. It’s relative, not absolute; a means, not an end.

-Tony Jones gives us permission to evolve on same-sex marriage.

-Alise Wright hits the nail on the head on manipulative worship music. This is why I hardly listen to worship music, unless Page CXVI counts.

-Sarah Moon reminds us that there is no fear in love.

-Patheos has two new blogs on their website: Coming Out Christian and Missional Shift.

-Rachel Held Evans laughs at magazine covers.

-And finally, we've unfortunately lost another legend this week: Chuck Brown, the Godfather of Go-Go. And so, as tribute, here's "Bustin' Loose."

Should Wives Be Hot? (An Egalitarian Man's Response)

*UPDATE 5/22/12: I think I went a little too far with this one. I have since apologized to Nicole.

(Before I begin, I should point out that despite the ridiculousness, the above image is from a real book!)

Nicole Cottrell from Modern Reject recently wrote a guest post at Sammy Adebiyi's blog asking if wives should stay hot for their husbands. Here's an excerpt:

Your husband deserves to come home each day (or see you come home each day, if you happen to work, as well) to the beautiful, lovely, admirable, and even sexy woman that he married.

Yet, this often isn't the case because for some strange reason, many women have fallen victim to the lie that marriage somehow ends your responsibility to remain attractive. Yes, I said responsibility. I know some people might not like that word, but it is fitting. I believe a wife has a duty to look hot. Yup, a duty for hotness.

Let's be honest too ladies, if our husbands hung out in sweats all day, rarely showered, and didn’t care if he had shaved or not, I doubt we would be too excited. Same goes for us.

If you got all dolled up before marriage and then stopped after marriage, well, my dear, that is false advertising.

Marriage is not an excuse to “get comfortable” or “let yourself go.” If ever there were a time to exert a little effort into looking good, it is in our marriages. In a culture racked with divorce, marriages are fragile enough.

We might forget it and hate to say it, but attraction is a key component to a healthy marriage and sex life.

Now even though I don't always agree with Cottrell, normally we're pretty much on the same page on many issues. But for this one the only thing I have to say is, "WTF????????"

Even though Cottrell makes it clear that she's not suggesting women starve themselves, this kind of thinking basically suggests that the sole purpose of a wife is the make the husband a happy man, both in the kitchen and in the bedroom. It's this mentality that suggests that women are no more than arm candy for men. This is why so many people are leaving the Church; this kind of message is saying that there are second-class citizens in the Kingdom of God.

I honestly don't care if my wife (or husband) greets me at the door every day in sweat pants and frizzy hair. In fact, if my spouse has had a rough day working around the house, I would be glad to help him/her out. That's what a marriage is supposed to be: a partnership. Mutual submission. Ephesians 5:21, anyone?

So women, don't feel like you have to look like Meghan Fox 24/7 to keep your man happy. You're fine just the way you are, and don't let anyone in the Church tell you otherwise!

(Okay, that's enough ranting for now. Who wants donuts?)

This Week In Cool Stuff: 05/12/12

Wow, what a week! Where to begin?

-This Tuesday Amendment One passed in North Carolina, which bans gay marriage, civil unions, and domestic partnerships. In its wake, Rachel Held Evans writes how today's Christians are sick and tired of the culture war. Excerpt:

We are tired of fighting, tired of vain efforts to advance the Kingdom through politics and power, tired of drawing lines in the sand, tired of being known for what we are against, not what we are for.

And when it comes to homosexuality, we no longer think in the black-at-white categories of the generations before ours. We know too many wonderful people from the LGBT community to consider homosexuality a mere “issue.” These are people, and they are our friends. When they tell us that something hurts them, we listen. And Amendment One hurts like hell.

-Also in the wake of Amendment One, President Obama finally gets off the fence and endorses gay marriage.

-Sarah Moon says goodbye to her home church.

-Over at Homebrewed Christianity, Bo Sanders says North American churches will never change as long as the communal Bible is read through the eyes of individualism. Excerpt:

Let’s not pretend that we can think another way. We are heirs of the enlightenment – this is our operating system. We can download a new program like ‘christianity’ but it is operating within the individualist code. Talking with my friends who are from non-European descent (Native American, Pacific Islands or certain Asian communities)  it is clear that there is no simple conversion that an individual can undergo and simply start thinking in communal terms. We are cultural creatures and this is our culture.

-And sadly, we lost another one of my childhood icons. Maurice Sendak, author of such classic children's books as "Where the Wild Things Are" and "In the Night Kitchen," died this week at the age of 83. "Where the Wild Things Are" holds a special place in my heart, so as tribute here's Christopher Walken reading it.

Who Do You Say That I Am?

As you may remember, about a month or so ago I started reading Jurgen Moltmann’s The Crucified God and blogged about it a couple of times. Unfortunately with schoolwork and other real-life projects I had to put the book down. Now I finally have the chance to pick it back up again, so let’s get our theology on!

Since I’m not a trained theologian, chapter 3 took a little more time and concentration than the previous two chapters. In this chapter, Moltmann examines two of the most common questions about Jesus: “Is Jesus true God?” and “Is Jesus true man?” After much philosophical and theological discussion, the answer finally comes in the form of another question: “Who do you say that I am?” And with Peter’s answer--”You are the Christ!”--Moltmann explains the essence of his “theology of hope:”

This question of Christ can only be answered by a new creation, in which the novelty which is Jesus is no longer a novelty, and his cross is no longer a scandal, and in which they have become the basis and the light of the kingdom. By confessing Jesus as the Christ, faith also confesses that this future of his is real. Its confession of Jesus does him justice when it also anticipates the future for the sake of which he existed, died and was raised . . . For it anticipates the future in which, as the Revelation of John (5:12) says, “Worthy is the Lamb who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing!” and “God will wipe away every tear from their eyes” (7:17).

So if I understand this correctly, it’s kinda like when Jesus says, “My sheep recognize my voice” (John 10:27). The way Jesus reveals himself to us convinces us that he is Lord. And when we acknowledge that Jesus is Christ, we acknowledge our faith that Jesus makes all things new.

What do you think? Leave a comment below and join the conversation.

This Week In Cool Stuff: 05/05/12

Okay, now that we've got all the intense blog posts out of the way, let's see what others have been saying this week:

-If you love Bon Iver as much as I do, you'll love Bon Iver Erotic Stories. As if Justin Vernon wasn't already sexy enough!

-Mark Scandrette writes a letter to his twenty-something self. Sample:

Twenty-something self, First, let me just say that you are a really great person. I like you and other people think you are quirky, fun and interesting, and the people who love you put up with your bad farts, chronic insecurities and  butt scratching. Let me get a few practical details out of the way. Please. Please start brushing your teeth every day maybe twice a day instead of just once a week. Pay more attention to what you eat. Exercise. Get over your obsessive guilt. Stop worrying so much about every dollar and penny. Get some tattoos before they become too cliche for someone your age. Learn to dance. Laugh more. And please forgive your parents. They did the best they could.

-Sarah Bessey announced her upcoming book Jesus Feminist.

-In response to Pastor Sean Harris (asshole!), Alise Wright writes a beautiful letter to the children of his congregation. Excerpt:

I’m sorry that this is a lesson that you’re being taught at church. In a place where you should be loved, you are taught that you are unlovable. In a place where your unique gifts and abilities should be celebrated, you are taught that you must fall within certain parameters to receive praise. In a place where you should never have to earn love, you are taught that receiving love depends on your behavior.

-And finally, in sadder news, Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys passed away yesterday at 47. As tribute, here's one of my favorite Beastie Boys songs.

Queer and Beloved

There's a scene in the movie The Exorcist where the two priests talk about why the devil would choose to possess Linda Blair's character out of all the other people in the world. Max Von Sydow's character responds, "I think the point is to make us despair. To see ourselves as... animal and ugly. To make us reject the possibility that God could love us."

And that's the basis for all of my anguish and despair. All of my questions, my doubts, and my fears all boil down to this one fear: that God might not love me.

It happened in high school and college when I would cut myself on a regular basis.

It happened when I was engaged to Amanda and couldn't be the man her family wanted me to be.

And it's been happening this week with my bisexuality. How can God possibly love a faggot like me?

Of course, it doesn't help that I've had people send me messages on Facebook telling me to turn away from sin and follow Jesus. I would love to, except that my bisexuality isn't just a behavior. It's who I am. Yes, I am more than just who I'm attracted to. I'm a writer, a Christian, a big brother, a son, a boyfriend, etc. But you see, my bisexuality isn't just some perverted fetish I can force myself to ignore. Believe me, I tried that, and it didn't work.

I hope this doesn't freak anybody out, but I would be lying if I said I hadn't been eying the razor blade this past week.

Last night before I went to bed I prayed that God would show me what to do. This morning I woke up to an encouraging Facebook message from a friend. As I read it I realized that I have to be myself. I can't pretend to be some one I'm not. If God tells me I need to change, then so be it. But for now, in this moment I'm proud to say that I am both queer and beloved. And if you can't love me and accept me for that, then don't let the door hit you on the way out.

More Second Thoughts On Original Sin

Yeah, so, yesterday's blog post was kinda vague. And ranty. Sorry about that. I couldn't find the right words I wanted to say. But after mulling it over for a little bit, I think I know what I want to say now.

You see, the way I was taught about original sin, it meant that, thanks to two naked people eating a bad apple, every single human being is 100% evil from the moment they were born. When Paul said, "There is no good thing in me," he means that all of mankind literally has absolutely no good thing inside of them. The world would be much better off if God wiped us off the face of the earth, but He chose not to so you better thank God for not throwing you into Hell where you belong.

Well, I don't think I believe in that anymore.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with mankind. As some one pointed out yesterday in the comment section, we live in a world where injustice is everywhere. Sometimes we even participate in injustice without even realizing it! We've tried to break this cycle of abuse and injustice, but we can't free ourselves from it. We are held captive to the cycle, and only Jesus can rescue us.

What I am saying, though, is that the more I observe human nature, the more I see it's way more complicated than a lot of Evangelicals make it out to be. We have these moments of selflessness in the midst of our selfishness. Some one who is generally thought of as a "nice person" can have a bad day and act like a dick. Likewise, I've seen people who usually act like dicks have this one moment of compassion and ask me, "Are you feeling okay?" People are way too complicated to be categorized as either "good people" or "bad people."

Yes, we are all held captive by sin in one form or another, and cannot free ourselves. But I don't buy into the whole idea that we are condemned to Hell from the time we are born.

Second Thoughts About Original Sin

Can I be honest with you? I have a really hard time accepting the concept of original sin. In fact, I just can't believe that God condemns every single human being on the face of the earth from the time they are born.

How can a baby already be headed for Hell minutes after coming out of its mother's womb? Why do all of my mistakes have to be thrown back in my face? Why did God have to pour out His wrath upon Jesus simply because I'm not perfect? Seems like a horrible God if you ask me!

The worst part is whenever people like me express their doubts about original sin, the reply is always the same: "You just want a feel-good self-esteem form of religion, that's all. You want to make God into your own image."

I wish people could understand that I do believe we have all sinned. I do believe that sin is a serious problem. And no, I don't want a feel-good self-help form a religion. I want a faith that challenges me to live beyond myself. I want a faith that helps me be a better person.

I just can't stand all of the guilt and shame, that's all! I'm sick and tired of beating myself up because of my imperfections. I want a faith based on grace, not on shame. Is that too much to ask for? To be God's beloved?