Leaving My Humanity Behind the Wall

Last night I watched an old favorite movie that I hadn't seen in a long time--Pink Floyd: The Wall! I first saw it when I was 17 during a difficult period of my life. Like Pink (played by Bob Geldof), I, too, spent most of my life building walls around me. The Wall came right around the time I first learned I didn't have to live my life behind a wall. (Although I've built several more walls throughout my life since then. I guess old habits die hard.)

Whenever I tell people about The Wall, the one part I have the most difficulty explaining is when Pink turns into a fascist demagogue. Kinda of a real left turn, once you think about. Here we have Pink, your typical burned out rock star smashing up his hotel room and shaving off his body hair, and then all of a sudden he's a Nazi! But I think it makes sense. I think Roger Waters was trying to say that when you isolate yourself from the world, and live your life behind a wall, you can easily lose your humanity.

It's happened to me several times.

No, I never became a neo-Nazi or anything like that. I could never bring myself to hate one ethnic group; I always hated everyone equally. All of the anger and self-loathing would build up inside of me until finally I started projecting that anger onto others. It didn't matter who that "other" was; they were going to feel my wrath in one way or another.

Of course, like Pink, I had to eventually stop and think, "Wait a minute. Have I been guilty all this time?" In fact, I still have to do that when I feel like I'm falling back into old habits. Believe me, it's way too easy to just build up a wall instead of actually processing through the pain.

Marriage is NOT the Ultimate Goal of Christianity!

Last night I was interviewing Sarah Moon for the Something Beautiful podcast (expect it to be online soon), and at one point she mentioned something that I've noticed lately. She said that even when she was in middle school, her Sunday school was already teaching her how to be a good housewife. I commented that it seems like Evangelicals put a lot of emphasis on making good little all-American nuclear families, as if that is the ultimate goal of Christianity.

Well, it's not. Jesus never said, "A new commandment I give you, that you find a nice girl and settle down and have kids."

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-marriage. Far from it! Despite going through a messy break-up a few months ago, I would still love to get married (yes, even if it's with a guy) and have a family. I just don't buy into this whole idea that you're an old maid if you're 29 years old and still single. Which is the impression that I get when I talk to a lot of Evangelicals.

The ultimate goal of Christianity is to love one another the way Christ loves us. That's how Jesus said the world will recognize that we are his disciples. It doesn't matter if you're barefoot and pregnant by age 25, or if you're 29 and still single. What does matter is that you love God and love your neighbor. That's it.

A lot of Christians use Ephesians 5 as some sort of marriage manifesto, but if you read it in context Paul is actually illustrating how we are to love one another. In fact, what does Paul say in verse 21? "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." So in verses 22-33, Paul isn't prescribing specific gender roles, or saying that a woman's ultimate goal is to submit to a man; he's illustrating how loving each other looks like in a marriage.

So don't freak out if you're in your late 20s and you're not barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen yet. There's still time. In the meantime, go be the light of the world.

This Week In Cool Stuff: 04/28/12

Looks like I wasn't the only one with major homework assignments due this week, because there wasn't a lot going on in the blogosphere. But there were still some stories that caught my eye:

-Amy Julie Becker explains the difference between brokenness and limitations:

Brokenness, whether physical, emotional, or spiritual, is not good. It comes as a result of sin in our world. As Jesus demonstrated throughout his ministry, God wants to heal broken bodies, broken minds, broken souls, and broken communities. God wants to heal our broken world.

But limitations existed before sin entered the picture, and limitations will remain. Limitations are a part of what make us human. They keep us both dependent upon God and connected to one another. Limitations provoke trust, community, and humility. God gives us limitations. Limitations are good.

-Rachel Held Evans gives ten tips for dealing with online critics.

-A group calling themselves the "Angry Queers" claims to have smashed the windows of Mars Hill's Portland church. Christian Piatt is right on the money for calling out the group. I hate Mars Hill, too, but I wouldn't break their stuff!

-And finally Matthew Paul Turner gave a list of his twenty-five favorite blogs. Yours truly is NOT on the list, but a lot of my friends are, so it's all good.

Hold Me, Jesus

I woke up this morning with this song stuck in my head. Normally I hate it when that happens, but the way I've been feeling lately I need to hear this song.

"Hold me, Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf/ You have been King of my Glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace?"

This week hasn't been a good week for me. Work's been stressful, and I've got school assignments up the wazoo. Worst of all, that little voice in the back of my head's been popping up again:

"You're not beloved, Travis. You're queer. You're angry. You're selfish. You're stupid. God can't love a piece of shit like you!"

So I fell back into old self-destructive behavior again, which only made the voice louder.  

"Ha, I told you!"

Which is why I keep going back to Rich Mullins' words: "You have been King of my Glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace?" Can the King of Kings and Lord of Lords also be my Comforter? Rich thought so. But Rich had his shit together, and I don't. Or at least he looked like he did.

So this is my prayer this morning: "Hold me, Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my Glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace?"

This Week In Cool Stuff: 04/20/12

-If you're like me, you sometimes think to yourself, "Gee, I wonder whatever happened to Mara Wilson." Well, she's now 24 and has no plans on going back to Hollywood.

At least she never went to rehab!

-Also in the Huffington Post, Jonathan Merritt writes how the Southern Baptist Convention needs to do a better job with racial reconciliation. Another reason why Merritt is the coolest Southern Baptist ever!

-Rachel Held Evans explores N.T. Wright's explanation of what we mean when we say the Bible is the Word of God. Money quote:

This is where the notion of the inspiration of Scripture comes in, says Wright.

“’Inspiration,’” he says, “is a shorthand way of talking about the belief that by his Spirit God guided the very different writers and editors, so that the books they produced were books God intended his people to have.”

Hmm. I've never heard it explained quite that way before. Wright then goes on to offer an explanation of what is meant by “the word of God" - and this really got my attention.

“And in and through it all, we find the elusive but powerful idea of God’s ‘word,’” he says, “not as a synonym for the written scriptures, but as a strange personal presence, creating, judging, healing recreating” (emphasis mine).

-Over at Jesus Radicals, Nekeisha Alexis-Baker responds to a recent Relevant Magazine article about Trayvon Martin with, "It's not about the f**king hoodie."

-Speaking of Relevant, Sarah Moon criticizes the "hip" Christian magazine for failing to disclose the troubled past of article writer Hugo Schwyzer.Excerpt:

Hugo, a man who has committed very serious crimes against women, is now writing articles at Relevant Magazine about women’s issues. And there are some problems with that.

The first problem is, Relevant refuses to disclose Schwyzer’s past. There was no disclaimer on the article, no mention of his abuse in the article.

Not only that, but Relevant actively silenced voices that informed readers of Schwyzer’s past.

-And finally, well, I guess I'll just the title speak for itself: Zombie Shooting Targets Popular With Doomsday Preppers At National Rifle Association Exhibition.

Seeing The Scars

I think Thomas gets a bad rep. After all, he wasn’t in the room with the other disciples when the risen Christ appeared to them. He didn’t see the nail-scarred hands himself; neither did he stick his hand where Jesus was speared. All he had was the word of his fellow disciples, and they’ve obviously gone crackers!

Jesus is dead, remember? They were all there when He died, so they should know. They saw the man they called Lord for three years hanging on a Roman cross, despised and humiliated. They saw the blood pouring from his hands, feet, brow, and side. He’s dead! Dead people don’t just get up and walk around, right? So Thomas says, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe” (John 20:25).

Can you blame him? I know I would have said the same thing if I were Thomas. In fact, I already do.

If I can be honest with you, I have trouble believing in the Resurrection. No, it’s not because of anything I read by Marcus Borg or any other Jesus Seminar scholars. It’s because the Resurrection means that death has been defeated. It means that God is restoring God’s creation and God’s kingdom. It means we are free. Yet when I look around, all I see are bondage, misery, suffering, and death.

That’s why I’ve always had a hard time getting into the Easter season. I can get ecstatic about Advent, Ash Wednesday, Lent, and Good Friday, though. I understand waiting for God to restore the world. I understand death and how we will all return to dust someday. I understand brokenness. And I definitely understand suffering, pain, humiliation, and persecution.

But resurrection? Death has been defeated? God making all things new? Pfft, I’ll believe it when I see it!

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine about this. She said she sometimes wants to see the nail-scarred hands, too. “But then I realize,” she said, “we are the proof. Me and you. The sin in my life has been defeated. My life has been resurrected. We are the proof of the Resurrection to the world.”

Maybe she’s right. I can’t see Jesus’ scars, but I can see my own, and God knows I have plenty of them! And yet, I’m still here. I’m breathing. I’m alive. Despite all the pain, suffering, and doubt I’ve been through—and will no doubt go through in the future—I’m somehow able to stand before people and show them my scars.

If God suffers with us, then we resurrect with Jesus. Or as Paul puts it, “we have been united with [Jesus] in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his” (Romans 6:5). So maybe I don’t need to see Jesus’ scars to believe in the Resurrection. I just need to look at my own.

This Week In Cool Stuff: 04/14/12

-This week scientists say that wastewater wells are responsible for the rise of earthquakes in middle America. Which means most of those earthquakes were man-made. I think the most appropriate thing to say is, "Oh shit!"

-Rachel Held Evans unveils the cover to her new book, A Year of Biblical Womanhood:

-On Relevant Magazine's website, N.T. Wright explains how both evangelicals and progressives misinterpret the Bible.

-And last but not least, George Zimmerman is finally being tried for the death of Trayvon Martin. And justice, there is some left. Hopefully.

If The Resurrection Was A Hoax . . .

The following is my contribution to this month's SynchroBlog.

The other day on Twitter asked, “Instead of asking me if I believe the tomb really was empty (which I do), why not ask me why the empty tomb matters?” I asked this because for years I kept hearing Christians say, “He is risen!” as if that phrase itself should change everything. But a simple phrase was never enough for me. I wanted to know why the empty tomb matters.

I’ve heard some say that it doesn’t really matter to them whether or not the tomb was empty. What really matters, according to some, is how Jesus inspired His disciples to carry out His mission into the world and bring the Kingdom of God to earth. After doing some research, though, I’ll have to politely disagree. To me, Jesus inspired His disciples to carry out His mission because of the empty tomb.

As you may remember, last Easter (meaning the Easter of 2011) I gave reasons why the Resurrection matters. I would like to add one more to the list, which comes from Tony Jones’ A Better Atonement eBook:

Why is that important? Because I’m a real person. Because the people to whom I have ministered in Jesus’ name are real persons. We’re not hypotheses, fables, or legends. And we need real healing, all of us. While our realities may be largely socially constructed, we have real DNA, real physical, material properties.

Thus, since the resurrection of Jesus is his defeat of death, evil, and grief, it’s important to me that it really happened. Without a resurrected Jesus, Christianity is impotent. And I don’t mean a Jesus who was “resurrected” in the Disciples’ hearts and in my heart. I mean a real resurrection in the space-time continuum by a physical being known as Jesus of Nazareth, as 99.99% of Christians for the last two millennia have believed. (Loc. 351-357)

And that’s why I believe in the Resurrection, because if the Resurrection is just a hoax, then I wouldn’t have any hope. I would never heal. I would just be stuck with all of my pain and suffering, crying out to a God that only responds with, “Wish I could help ya, kid. Sorry!”

But because the Word of God dwelt among us, experienced all the trials and temptations and sufferings we face, and defeated death in the end . . . well, I think that changes everything.

* * *

If you liked this blog post, check out the other synchrobloggers!

• Marta – On Faith Seeking Understanding, Truth, and Theology
• Carol Kuniholm – Risen Indeed? The Hermeneutic Community
• Tim Nichols – How Would Life be Different if Jesus did not Rise?
• Glenn – Kingdom Come or Kingdom Now?
• Sonja Andrews – The Resurrection and the Life
• Josh Morgan – The Role of the Resurrection
• Abbie Watters – What if the Resurrection were a lie?
• Minnow – Resurrection Impact
• Leah – Resurrection – Or Not!
• Hey Sonnie – The Resurrection Hoax
• Liz Dyer – The Resurrection I Firmly Believe In
• Ellen Haroutunian – Is There a Christianity Without the Resurrection?
• Jeannette Altes – What if…
• Christine Sine – If the Resurrection did not happen, how would the world be different?
• KW Leslie – Supposing Jesus is Dead
• Travis Mamone – If the Resurrection was a Hoax
• Kathy Escobar – Jenga Faith
• Jeremy Myers – What if Jesus Did not Rise?

This Week In Cool Stuff: 04/07/12

-First, I finally hopped on the bandwagon and joined Pinterest this week. Since I don't cook I don't have any cool recipes. I mostly pin funny pictures and cool blog posts, many of which I'm posting here today.

-My Something Beautiful podcast co-host Stewart Cutler recently had the opportunity to run in the National Lottery Olympic Park Run. More power to you, Stewart, because I can't run at all!

-Crystal S. Lewis shares the beautiful story of her mother finding healing in God.

-Rachel Held Evans shares her thoughts on mainline denominations. (Don't worry, folks, I'm working on getting her to join the mainline side!)

-Rev. Dr. Janet Edwards answers the top five questions people have asked her about being bisexual and a minister.

-And finally we have Andrew Sullivan's latest Newsweek article Christianity in Crisis. Excerpt:

It seems no accident to me that so many Christians now embrace materialist self-help rather than ascetic self-denial—or that most Catholics, even regular churchgoers, have tuned out the hierarchy in embarrassment or disgust. Given this crisis, it is no surprise that the fastest-growing segment of belief among the young is atheism, which has leapt in popularity in the new millennium. Nor is it a shock that so many have turned away from organized Christianity and toward “spirituality,” co-opting or adapting the practices of meditation or yoga, or wandering as lapsed Catholics in an inquisitive spiritual desert. The thirst for God is still there. How could it not be, when the profoundest human questions—Why does the universe exist rather than nothing? How did humanity come to be on this remote blue speck of a planet? What happens to us after death?—remain as pressing and mysterious as they’ve always been?

Another reason why I have such a huge crush on Sullivan!

The Suffering God - New Provoketive Article

I recently wrote an article for Provoketive Magazine that I think fits well with Holy Week. Excerpt:

Coming from an evangelical background, I was taught that the only thing the cross represents is Jesus paying the price for our sins. I never thought of the cross as a symbol of God identifying with human suffering. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. If Jesus is the second person of the Trinity, then that means God was hanging on that cross in agonizing pain. Think about that for second: Elohim the creator, the great I AM, hanging on a cross, rejected, humiliated, and dying.

As someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety since early childhood, this was a message I needed to hear. Even though it has been called ‘the common cold of mental illness,’ depression has a funny way of making me feel completely alone. No one else can possibly understand what I’m going through. If I try to put it into words, it won’t make any sense. But if God knows human suffering first hand, then maybe I’m not so crazy after all.

You can read the rest here.

Still Wrestling With The Clobber Passages

(Picture found at ColbyMartinOnline.com)

It’s been four weeks since I came out as bisexual on this blog, and so far so good. I feel a lot more comfortable now in my own skin. I made some new friends through a local LGBT group. I even went on a date with a man I really like (we’re trying not to rush into a relationship right now, even though there’s definitely a mutual attraction). Without a doubt I’m in a much better place right now that I was a month ago.

And yet, there’s still that annoying little voice inside the back of my head: “What if I’m wrong? What if there really is no room in God’s Kingdom for a queer person like me?”

I’ve read the books, I’ve seen the movies, and I’ve been to the websites, so you would think I would have this issue all figured out by now. But after spending over eleven years in the Evangelical crowd . . . well, as Vashti Bunyan once sang, some things just stick in your mind.

For me, it all boils back to original sin. I was taught that because of Adam’s sin (notice how Eve isn’t mentioned), I was born with a corrupt nature that makes me hate God from day one. Everything I think makes me happy actually makes me miserable, but I'm so depraved that I don't realize it. The only way I can know and understand God is to interpret the Bible literally and without question. And if any scientist or other so-called “expert” has any “evidence” that contradicts biblical literalism, it’s just further proof of how Satan is fooling the entire world.

Can you tell I have issues?

And yes, I read Tony Jones' new ebook (a very good read, I might add), so I know that there's a better way of understand sin and redemption (thank God!). But it's still hard to shake those old feelings, you know?