In Which I Admit That I Can Be A Real Bastard

(Image from the movie Vanilla Sky.)

Most people who know me think I'm a really sweet guy who cares about other people's feelings. Most of the time that's true. I try to be considerate of others and where they are coming from. I try to choose my words carefully so I won't piss anyone off.

But can I be honest with you? I can be a real bastard sometimes.

For example, this week I had a falling out with a blogging friend, to whom I will refer as simply NC. When I first started reading NC's stuff, I loved her vulnerability and honesty. But as time progressed and I drifted further away from evangelical Christianity, NC's conservative-leaning and often-controversial blog posts got under my skin. This past I found myself telling nearly everyone online how horrible she is, how she represents everything wrong with religion nowadays, etc. Naturally, she was hurt. And part of me liked the fact that she was hurt. I felt avenged for all the pain and spiritual abuse I endured in the past.

But today I realized, "Wait a minute . . . this isn't exactly very Christian of me, is it? In fact, I'm basically doing the same thing all the discernment bloggers and Internet trolls do? How can I praise God's name and condemn NC all in the same breath?"

Anyone who knows me knows I struggle a lot with anger. I always did, even as a child. I used to fly into a rage at the drop of a proverbial dime, and break whatever inanimate object I could get my hands on. Fortunately I've calmed down quite a bit since childhood. But it's still a struggle. Instead of breaking inanimate objects, I now break people's hearts.

I never could grasp the whole "in your anger do not sin" thing. When I'm angry, all I do is sin!


I don't want to deny my feelings, though. Yes, I am angry about a lot of the spiritual abuse I've encountered in the past. But I don't want to spiritually abuse others in the healing process.

How do you manage to be anger without hurting anyone?

*UPDATE 08/18/12: I just sent a few DMs to NC on Twitter apologizing if I came off as more judgmental than assertive ('cause I have a hard time deciphering the difference), and that in this evolutionary stage of my faith a lot of stuff triggers me. So I'm at peace with the whole situation now.