Advent Meditation: Returning to Sister Winter

“Oh my friends I've
Begun to worry right
Where I should be grateful
I should be satisfied

Oh my heart I
Would clap and dance in place
With my friends I have so
Much pleasure to embrace

But my heart is
Returned to sister winter
But my heart is
As cold as ice”--"Sister Winter" by Sufjan Stevens

Around this time every year, I feel strangely melancholy. Like Charlie Brown before me, I know I should be happy: Christmas is coming! And while I am glad I can finally listen to “A Very Special Christmas Vol. 1” over and over again, I still have this feeling of gloom.

Maybe it’s the weather. After all, it is that time again to put away the flip-flops and t-shirts, and break out the heavy coats and sweaters. Plus, the days are getting shorter, so when I get off work it looks like the middle of night outside.

But I think it’s something much deeper than that.

Call me a party pooper, but I can’t help but think about all the people out there that won’t have themselves a merry little Christmas. I think of the homeless man trying to keep warm, the little girl wondering why her poverty-stricken parents say they’re not going to have a Christmas this year, and the lonely man who is thinking about ending his own life. I also think about my own life and all of the mistakes I’ve made during the past year, and all of the unresolved issues that are waiting for me in the new year. Maybe I’m the Charlie Browniest of all the Charlie Browns in the world after all.

Or maybe it’s all just part of the Advent season.

This past Sunday was the first Sunday of Advent, the time where we prepare our hearts for the coming of our Lord, Jesus Christ. As we light the wreath and sing “O Come, O Come Emmanuel,” we think about how this world, this life, isn’t how God originally intended it to be. We think about the Second Advent, when all will be made new again, by meditating on the First.

So maybe all of this melancholy is just my spirit groaning with creation to see the world restored.

I can’t help but think about The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, how it was “always winter and never Christmas” in Narnia before Aslan came. Even though it sounds like a lyric to a bad emo song, “always winter and never Christmas” is a good way to describe the state of this present world. But one day the snow will melt.

Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hate to admit this, but I rarely think about what I'm thankful for. Most of the time I take all my blessings for granted, and complain about the blessings I don't have. But let me take this moment to count my blessings.

I am thankful . . .
. . . for my family for always sticking by me.
. . . for Amy for putting up with my crap for over six years.
. . . for having a job, which may not pay much but is more than what a lot of people have.
. . . for never knowing what it's like to go hungry, even though I never had much money growing up.
. . . for my friends for being there during my dark moments.
. . . for having the opportunity to tell me story about how God is healing my broken spirit.

Thank You, God, for Your mercy and grace.



In between all the turkey, mashed potatoes, and pies, I hope you all take a moment to count your blessings.

ATTENTION READERS: I NEED YOUR FEEDBACK

I feel like God is calling me to speak at churches about mental health issues. I'm not going to speak as a professional, though; just as a regular guy with a story to tell. But I do need your help.

If you have ever struggled with depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness, please fill out my survey. Don't worry, it's COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS!

Based on your answers, I'll get an idea about what exactly I want to say.

Thank you.

"Person of Interest" Reaction Video

The name pretty much says it all. Here I am watching the new Rebecca Black video, "Person of Interest." Enjoy!

When Church Becomes a Circus (Literally!)

I don't chat with Chris Rosebrough (a.k.a. Pirate Christian) much anymore, but I sometimes go to one of his blogs, A Little Leaven, when I need a good laugh. He always finds the craziest videos that show just how far some evangelical megachurches will go to be "relevant" and "seeker sensitive."

About a month ago Chris posted the below video. He said it was from a church in Florida called Church By The Glades.



"Is this really a church?" I thought. "Where's the Gospel? Where's Jesus? Where's the big cross most churches hang up on the wall? Chris must have obviously got mixed up and thought that this pop band was part of a church."

Then I checked out the YouTube channel and, sure enough, it's a real church.

*record scratch*

Now I'm not one of those fuddy-duddy ridged Christians that think that the Church has to be a kept in a little bubble hidden away from the world. I think that as our culture changes, the Church needs to find a way to address the questions of society. But you don't have a discernment blogger to know that this is just ridiculous!

I don't know about you, but when I go to church, I don't really want to be entertained. I want to feel like I'm in a sacred and safe place. I want to feel like I've been given the opportunity to approach God with all of my faults and hang-ups, lay them all out for Him, and experience His divine grace. I also want to feel like I'm part of a large family of similar screw-ups and ragamuffins, all experiencing that same divine grace.

I don't work in ministry so I could be wrong, but isn't that what church is supposed to be?

So for all of you pastors out there, let me just say this: STOP TRYING TO ENTERTAIN US! If I want entertainment, I'll buy tickets to an actual circus, not a church.

The Day I Gave God Hell -- Guest Post on Joy Wilson's Blog!

Last week my friend Joy Wilson wrote a guest post on this blog. Today, I got to return the favor!

My guest post, "The Day I Gave God Hell," can be found here.

Now just to warn you, there will be cursing! I chose not to censor the language to illustrate just how mad I was at God at the time. Things are cool between us now, of course.

Enjoy!

*UPDATE 11/13/11: "The Day I Gave God Hell" is now on Provoketive Magazine.

Purity Sucks!

So, yeah, uh, you know that moment in high school when you lose your virginity to your first love?

That kinda never happened for me.

Also, remember in college when you go crazy and hop into a different bed every weekend?

That, too, never happened for me.

It. Just. Never. Happened.

Partly it's by circumstance, since I always had a hard time talking to girl. But it's also by choice, since I am a Christian and . . . well, you know how it is. Now I know that I'm supposed to go on about how great it is to be pure and waiting for marriage and all that, but can I be honest with you?

PURITY SUCKS!!!!!!!

When you look around and see every one else bumpin' uglies, you want to join the fun. Sure, I can always take matters into my own hands, but it's just not the same. As the old saying goes, I'm only human. It also doesn't help that the standard Evangelical response to sex is usually, "Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it! Okay, you're married now, so have at it . . . but not too much." So it's either one of two extremes: "Anything goes" or "Keep it in your pants at all times."

So what's a guy to do?

Maybe the first thing to do is find a middle ground between the two extreme views of sex. For starters, sex isn't something that's dirty or taboo. Sex is a beautiful gift from God that unites two spouses. It's how two spouses become "one flesh:" physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

My friend Nicole Cottrell puts it this way:

"So, what does a healthy Christian sex life look like? I think it entails a few different things, but one of the biggest pieces, the part I am working on, is freedom. Sexual health in marriage requires freedom–freedom from past sin, freedom from negative connotations, freedom from shame, guilt, awkwardness, reservation, and being overly self-aware."

So while purity may suck now sometimes, I think it'll be well worth the wait. At least I hope so!

Rolling Away My Stone

"Roll away your stone, I’ll roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don’t leave me alone at this time,
For I'm afraid of what I will discover inside

Cause you told me that I would find a hole,
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal,
And all the while my character it steals"--Mumford and Sons

"Roll Away Your Stone" is probably my favorite songs by Mumford and Sons. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the lyrics, which, to me, are about a man who decides to embrace life after living in darkness for years (of course I could be wrong). And in light of last week's spiritual crisis, that's where I'm at right now.

During the past week, I've learned a couple of things about myself. The first one is that I didn't lose faith in the actual God. I lost faith in the judgmental, cruel, angry god in my head that made me feel like shit 24/7. The god I used to believe always told me things like, "You're not a real man. You're just a pathetic little worm. You'd better thank your lucky stars that I haven't thrown you into Hell just yet." I'm done with that god, and all who preach him.

The second thing I realized that I've been afraid to let people in. Love, in all of it's various forms, requires vulnerability and openness. You would think that because I'm so open here on my blog that vulnerability and openness would come easily for me. Nope! In fact, I'm petrified that if I let people in and see the real me, I'll get hurt in the process. To prevent that, I've built a wall around my heart to keep all the pain out. Unfortunately, the exact opposite happened: I got hurt by my loneliness and isolation. So now I'm learning how to tear down my wall and let love in.

Right now I'm rolling away my stone.