The Medic (by Joy Wilson)

As a mama bear, I will defend my cubs to the death. But not this time. My son is jointly responsible for the death of a loving relationship with his partner. Yes, it has become toxic and it seems the only chance for healing is for them to separate. But he isn’t grieving and she is, and so I fight for her – not against my son, but against hopelessness and the danger of her going under for good.

I’m grateful each of them has always trusted me enough to share their version, verdict, and individual voice of truth. They knew at the beginning this was a risky relationship. All previous couplings had been disasters, starting with “in love” and ending with blame and shame. They knew they had negligible communication skills, and were prone to jealousy and selfishness. Yet there is a deep hunger in each of us for a significant other who will forgive our sins, treat us with respect, and love us no matter what. Maybe things would be different this time. Maybe they could grow up together. Maybe didn’t happen.

There’s a romance to a rocky relationship. Drama is the antithesis of complacency, and bad can seem better than boring, especially when world-class wars are followed by laughter and fun. But for this couple, the wars were real, the laughter temporary relief until the next bomb dropped. And last night this wounded woman called from the battlefield, hemorrhaging internally, and I was the medic on hand. Who was right or wrong was irrelevant; saving a soul was.

I have refused to take sides in this conflict, preferring to listen and love. When I perceive a willingness to hear, I offer suggestions and give examples from my own life. But assigning fault isn’t my job, because fault isn’t the issue here. Truth is.

Much of what we think is true, isn’t. What we believe is based on our experience and what other people say. Even personal experiences are inaccurate perceptions of reality, filtered through feelings and viewpoint. Feelings are never right or wrong – they just are, and we have proprietary rights to our opinions. But truth? As my husband, Bud, says, “Just because I believe it doesn’t make it so.”

These young adults have frequently told me what “really” happened, hoping to convince me “I’m right, he/she’s wrong, and whatever he or she told me is wrong.” It would be so easy to quote John 8: 32: “You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” If they would only be willing to listen to each other, truth would either become evident or not as important as respecting their differences compared with being “right”.

Then as I poured out my grief to the One who loves us unconditionally, an insight came to me: “You will know the truth” wasn’t about “what”, but “who”. In John 14:6 Jesus said, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life.” What this precious woman needed more than answers was The Answer, and I sang her to sleep with this song:



Joy Wilson is the author of Uncensored Prayer: The Spiritual Practice of Wrestling With God and a contributor to Not Alone (both Civitas Press, 2011). She and her husband, Bud, are two life-long hippies. They live in Bartlett, TN, with six cats, two dogs, and no TV. She is part of an eclectic group of Jesus-followers called Outlaw Preachers and has a passion for prison ministry. Also, Joy is an advocate for middle-aged and senior women, and anyone who suffers from depression. Joy’s website is joyleewilson.org and you can contact her at joyleewilson@gmail.com.

When Religion Makes You Sick

“All religions make me wanna throw up
All religions make me sick
All religions make me wanna throw up
All religions suck

[. . .]

They all claim that they have 'the Answer'
When they don't even know the Question
They're just a bunch of liars
They just want your money
They just want your consciousness”--Dead Kennedys

In my bio I say that sometimes God is so real to me that I can hardly take it, and other times He doesn’t make any sense. Right now, it’s the latter.

In fact, if I can be totally honest, I sometimes wonder if a lot of my depression issues come from my faith. I know it sounds weird, but it’s true.

For example, most of my secular friends are pretty comfortable with not being perfect. For them, it’s all a part of being human. They just try to do the best they can, that’s all.

I, on the other hand, can’t help but always feel guilty about being human. For me, as a Christian, my imperfections are a sign of my horrible, wretched, and sinful nature. It’s my very nature to rebel against God. Even the good stuff I do isn’t enough to please God, because even my good deeds are filthy rags in God’s eyes. If it wasn’t for His Son dying a gruesome death instead of me I wouldn’t have any hope of avoiding the lake of fire God has prepared for me when I die.

As if trying to figure out this crazy experience called life isn’t enough pressure, try adding eternal conscious torment to the mix!

The whole concept of God’s will troubles me, too. At first glance, the idea of God’s sovereignty is a comforting thought . . . until you realize that while you’re stuffing your fat face full of pizza, there are millions of kids around the world starving to death every day. Boy, how's that for a sovereign and just Lord!

Third, why does it seem like God is pursuing some people but not others? Some of my friends have had the same struggles I do, and they came out believing in God just fine. Others have walked away from the faith entirely. Was Calvin right about the whole predestination thing? If so, what do you need to do in order for God to pursue you?

And yet I wonder if perhaps I'm not really mad at the real God, but rather the god I made up in my head. What if God really does care?

If so, I wish He would tell me, 'cause I'm tired of all these guessing games!

What do you do when God no longer makes sense?

Haters Gonna Hate! (A Response To A Critic)

(Photo found at CrackBerry.com)

*UPDATE 12:45 PM: It appears as though the blog formerly known as Slouching Towards Home is no more! Either it's a swipe at Harold Camping for his latest bogus claim that the end is nigh, or our Anonymous Blogger friend chickened out.

So I was checking Google Analytics this morning when I found that I've had a number of referrals from a website called Sloucing Towards Home. So I checked it out, and I found out that it's a blog written by an anonymous conservative (gotta love those anonymous haters!), and in one blog entry he says that my depression is caused by my "liberalism."

Excerpt:

"Take Travis Mamone for example. Mr. Mamone is a religious liberal who has blogged about his struggles with depression. He affirms homosexuality and finds Marcus Borg somewhat agreeable. It never seems to occur to Travis that his liberalism could be causing or exacerbating his depression."

The anonymous blogger (AB) makes it clear in the next paragraph that s/he is not suggesting that depression is not a real medical condition, but that the "religion" of liberalism can cause great spiritual despair. And what exactly is this so-called "religion of liberalism?" Here's how AB defines it:

1) there is no God, certainly not the Christian God.

Not quite sure how AB thinks I fit into this, because if I didn't believe in Jesus I wouldn't call myself a Christian, would I?

2) because there is no God there is no given structure to reality and therefore the forms of human social relationships are infinitely flexible.

In other words, "No homo."

3) because is no God there is no given, objective morality.

No, I'm pretty sure God means it when he says, "Thou shalt not kill" or, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."

4) Since there are no fixed forms for human social relationships like marriage and the family, we are free to change the definitions of those things to fit our desires.

Well, didn't a lot of the Old Testament heroes practice polygamy? (No, I am NOT pro-polygamy!)

5) Because there is no God and no transcendence, the meaning of human life must be created by each individual during the short span of his life. The only way to allow each person to create meaning for himself is by removing as many roadblocks as possible to the gratification of desires.

Once again, that's NOT what I believe!

6) Because there is no God, there is no ultimate way to discriminate between desires calling some good and some bad. Therefore, equality and tolerance are the only possible shared values.

AB makes it sound like treating the LGBTQ community like human beings is a bad thing!

5) Human reason is sufficient to guide us in our search for meaning and progress.

While I do believe that God gave us brains for a reason, there are many things that go beyond human reason, so human reason alone is insufficient.

6) The history of the world is a story of the movement from the dark days of faith to the bright days of ever-increasing knowledge and corresponding techniques by which humankind bends nature to its will.

Where have I ever suggested we bend nature to human will? On the contrary, bending nature only mucks it up!

7) The destiny of man is to create a near-perfect society here on earth in which all are equally free to gratify their every desire.

No, I don't believe that! I'm pretty sure I've said somewhere that the Kingdom of God is NOT a secular utopia created by man without any divine intervention.

While it's true that my theology does tend to be a bit progressive, and I certainly lean to the left politically, I am NOT the secular humanist that AB thinks I am.

In the immortal words of Jay-Z, "Go on, pimp, brush ya shoulders off!"

More Of A Man

I'm not a big fan of contemporary Christian music, but there's this song by Big Daddy Weave that I really like called, "What Life Would Be Like."



The first verse especially hits close to home:

"I wish I was more of a man.
Have you ever felt that way?
And if I had to tell you the truth
I’m afraid I’d have to say
That after all I’ve done and failed to do
I feel like less than I was meant to be."

I've noticed there's been a lot more conversations about manhood within the past couple of years. Just recently there's that new movie Courageous, which is about four policemen who learn what it means to be men. Then there's the Authentic Manhood Movement, who recently released this trailer for their video series. [It looks like your typical super-macho-Mark-Driscoll-inspired-testosterone-fueled bull crap to me.] And then there's the open letter to men Ally Spotts' fiancee wrote on her blog.

I can understand why this conversation has sprung up. Let's face it, there are way too many guys out there modeling their lives after this guy:


*shudders*

But I think something's missing from the conversation. I don't know about you, but I am unable to be a better man on my own. Now any one who knows me knows I never give myself enough credit, so that could be the case here. But over and over again I realize that on my own, I can't be the man God wants me to be. Believe me, I tried!

So does this mean I'll never be more of a man?

I sometimes think so, and when I do I get really sad. But then when I pick up my Bible, I get to thinking that maybe I'm not supposed to rely on my own strength in order to be a man. I keep coming back to Philipians 4:13--"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (NIV).

Everything?

Really?

So maybe for me, the first step in becoming more of a man is to stop trying to do it on my own, and instead let His strength help me.

What do you think? Do you find yourself unable to be more of a man without God?

Congratulations Renee and Marc!

My good friend Renee Johnson is getting married today, so here's a short video wishing her and her husband Marc the best.

A Pharisee Towards Myself

There’s a scene in John Bunyan’s The Pilgrim’s Progress where the main character, Christian, comes to a cross. Instantly, the straps carrying the heavy burden on his back (a not-so-subtle symbol for sin) break, and the load falls off Christian’s back and lands into an open grave. It’s a beautiful picture of grace, and I wish I could say that I always approach the cross whenever I feel burdened by my sins.

But the truth is, as soon as I start feeling my burden fall from my shoulders, I immediately grab it and run away from the cross. I earned this burden, now I’ll carry it with me for the rest of my life. Don’t try to stop me.

* * *

Even after following Jesus for over ten years, I still don’t understand grace. I read all the Brennan Manning books in college, and sang “Your Grace is Enough” at church so many times that I can probably sing it backwards, but I still don’t get grace. Why would a holy and righteous God want to be friends with a poor sucker like me?

Most normal people, from my own observations, give themselves enough grace to take responsibility for their mistakes, learn from them, and then move on. There are, of course, some exceptions (especially among some of my friends on Twitter). But for the most part, normal people are able to acknowledge their mistakes and then move on.

I don’t. Instead, I wear my sins on my chest like a scarlet letter, and I’m way too ashamed to ask for forgiveness. Why should I? I haven’t done anything to earn it, and even if I did I would probably screw up tomorrow and lose it all. Besides, sometimes I don’t know if “saved by grace alone” is really all it’s cracked up to be. If we’re saved only by God’s grace, why does Jesus tell us to obey His teachings so much? In the parable of the sheep and goats, the sheep didn’t enter the Kingdom of God because they said the Sinner’s Prayer—they actually did stuff, like feed the hungry and clothe the naked. And since I haven’t fed or clothed anyone lately, does this mean I’m going burn in Hell with the goats?

Or am I just being too hard on myself?

A few months ago I was on the phone with my friend Rebecca. At the time I was in a really dark place and needed some one to talk to. During out conversation, Rebecca said, “On Twitter I see you show lots of grace to people. But it sounds like you don’t show any grace to yourself. It’s like you’re Jesus to other people, but a Pharisee towards yourself.” I couldn’t have said it better.

* * *

A few weeks ago I was being a Pharisee towards myself big time. I was having problems at work, which I won’t get into, of course. But one night it finally dawned on me that I truly have a sinful nature. There is something inside of me that, despite knowing what’s right, wants to do the wrong thing anyway. Maybe the Calvinists were right along about total depravity.

The next day was Sunday, so I went to church with Amy. Still reeling from the previous night’s revelation, I wondered if I should have even been at church that day. Before the service began, I wrote in my journal, “Lord, if You want me to leave, just tell me and I will. But if not, I’ll stay and see if maybe You want to tell me something.”

The sermon that Sunday was on the name Yahweh. Literally translated, it means, “I am who I am.” As the pastor explained, this means that God was specifically revealing Himself to the Israel. Ancient Israel, at the time, wasn’t the well-developed nation that it is now; it was at the bottom of the proverbial barrel at the time socially. And yet God deliberately chose to reveal Himself to this small tribe of ragamuffins, not to a mighty empire.

At that moment, a thought occurred to me: If God deliberately chose to reveal Himself to a small race of ragamuffins instead of a mighty empire, then what makes you think He won’t take you back?

A few minutes later we took communion. As I held the bread and wine, I silently prayed. “Well, Lord,” I prayed, “I guess there is hope for a screw-up like me. Maybe I have been a Pharisee towards myself for far too long. Maybe it’s time I finally let Your grace be just that: grace. Can we wipe the slate clean, God, for old time’s sake?”

* * *

So that’s where I am right now. I’m learning how to live under God’s grace instead of my own legalism. And so far it feels a heck of a lot better than beating myself up all the time!

Occupy The Church

My friend Margaret Feinberg tweeted this a week ago, and I haven't stopped thinking about it since.

Whether you agree with the Occupy Wall Street protesters or not, you have to admit that it's really inspiring so see so many Americans come together and say, "We've had enough! Things need to change now!" But I wonder how this energy and passion can be used for the Church.

Seriously, if there was an Occupy The Church movement, what would it look like?

Maybe it would be a time for all Christians to come together and rebuild the Church. It would be a moment when those who don't feel safe in the Church can finally say it out loud. We would be more honest with each other about our struggles. We would realize that doctrine and practice are the same thing, not sworn enemies. The Church would become the actual Body of Christ on earth, not just an elite club where only the well-dressed and well-behaved are allowed.

What do you think?

Travis, The Very Worst Ally

(Photo found at Gay Christian Europe)

[Certain names have been changed. Also, I always welcome dialogue, but outright homophobia will not be tolerated!]

Before I started following Jesus, I thought that the Gospel was only about what you could and could not do with your genitalia. I, of course, did not grow up in the Church, so my only exposure to Christianity was the Christian book section at my local library, where I worked during high school. In the teen section, nine out of ten books were about sex—specifically why you should not do it. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in saving yourself for marriage (or at least I do now). But back then when my hormones were running wild and I was trying to find some meaning in life, the Christian teen book section taught me that in order to be saved I couldn’t do anything with my genitals.

Especially with another dude!

The only thing worse than getting in between the sheets before marriage was getting in between the sheets with some of the same gender. I never understood why, though, because from what I had read same-sex attraction was just as natural and healthy as opposite-sex attraction. That was one reason why I was so reluctant to follow Jesus for many years; I thought it was a religion for close-minded homophobes and nothing more. But then Jesus eventually caught up with me, and I had no choice but to follow Him. And once I did, I decided I would eventually figure the whole homosexuality question out eventually.

But I never did. Even when I mastered the “love the sinner, hate the sin” rhetoric down pat, I still asked myself, “What if it really isn’t a sin?”

* * *

It might strike some people as odd that a straight guy like myself would be so worked up about homosexuality and the Bible. It didn’t have anything to do with my own sexuality. There was a time when I thought I was bisexual, since nearly everyone in high school called me a “faggot” almost every day. It would definitely explain why I sucked at sports so much. But in the end, I realized that I just didn’t have the same feeling towards men that I had towards women. Sure, I think some men are handsome, but not enough that I want to be with them. Johnny Depp is a good-looking guy, but I don’t have any desire to sleep with him.

There are two reasons why I worried so much about homosexuality, and the first was my Uncle Tony. When I was a boy and my father’s side of the family had a family gathering, Uncle Tony would always be there with another man named David. David was a nice guy, but I never understand why he would be at every family function. It wasn’t until I was ten that I learned it was because David was Uncle Tony’s husband. It never bothered me, though, but when I started following Jesus I was worried that God was going to throw Uncle Tony and David into Hell just for being in a loving and committed relationship. I spent the next few years searching the Bible looking for a loophole.

And it wasn’t just Uncle Tony, either. I worried about the millions of other gay people in the world that were going to possibly burn. If you don’t choose to have same-sex attraction, then why would the Bible condemn it? Surely God in His infinite wisdom and knowledge would know that! It didn’t seem right that God wouldn’t allow a certain group of people to enter His Kingdom because of something they could not change.

But I was too afraid to ask questions then, so whenever someone would ask me what I thought about gay people, I would just say, “Let’s just love them because they need Jesus just like we do.” Which is true, but I refused to answer any questions about gay marriage.

* * *

Everything changed with a blog comment. My friend Adele had a website called Queermergent about LGBT issues and spirituality. I wrote a guest post about my Uncle Tony, but said I didn’t want to say whether or not homosexuality was a sin. A few days after the blog post went online, a man named Brad left a comment calling out my privilege.

Privilege? What is he talking about? I’m not rich. My life hasn’t been at all easy. I’ve had to work hard to get to where I am now. Who does this little prick think he is?

Being the defensive guy I am, I sent him some very nasty emails telling him how full of crap he was. He tried to calmly explain himself, but I didn’t want to listen. He was obviously a far-left liberal who blamed everything wrong with the world on straight white men. I eventually made him upset, and I felt guilty about it and apologized. But after everything calmed down, I wondered if perhaps Brad was right. Maybe it was time to not only be welcoming, but also affirming. But what about the Bible? I looked at some websites that gave me some alternative interpretations of the infamous ‘clobber passages,’ but I was still hesitant to consider myself an ally. What will my conservative evangelical friends think?

Everything changed when I first heard the name Tyler Clementi. He was a Rutgers student who jumped off a bridge when his roommates broadcasted Tyler having sex with another man all over the Internet. I was sorry to hear about it, but didn’t pay much attention at first. Then the news reported that a different gay student committed suicide, and then another, and another, and another. Suddenly it hit me: if our theology doesn’t give these kids hope, if all they have to look forward to is the lake of fire, if it doesn’t matter whether or not they believe in Jesus, then something is wrong. That would make the Gospel good news only for a select group of people, and not for the entire world. I knew then it was time to do something, even if I didn’t have all of the answers.

* * *

Now all of this just happened within a year, so that's why I call myself "The Very Worst Ally." There's still so much I have left to learn, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to screw up many times throughout this journey. But for now, here's the one thing that everyone who wants to work in solidarity with the LGBTQ community has to do:

Listen.

I mean really really listen. Listen to your LGBTQ neighbors. What are they saying? If you can do this, then I think you're on the right track.

God Hates Us All(?)

*UPDATE 10/15/11: Mars Hill Church has since removed the "God Hates You," video.



Ten years ago Slayer released an album called, "God Hates Us All." I wonder if Mark Driscoll was listening to that before he preached this past Sunday. Here's a clip where Driscoll lays it all out:



For those who do not have the time to watch the video, here's the money quote:

"Some of you, God hates you. Some of you, God is sick of you. God is frustrated with you. God is wearied by you. God has suffered long enough with you. He doesn’t think you’re cute. He doesn’t think it’s funny. He doesn’t think your excuse is meritous [sic]. He doesn’t care if you compare yourself to someone worse than you, He hates them too. God hates, right now, personally, objectively hates some of you."

Now don't get me wrong. I don't believe in a wishy-washy god who doesn't take sin seriously. Like Driscoll, I don't believe that God looks down up on this fallen world and think, "Looks okay to me." The Bible is quite clear, "The wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23). Seems like God's pretty serious about sin to me!

But here's the part the above video doesn't mention: God sent His Son Jesus to pay the wages of our sin--death--in our place. God loves us so much, He went all the way so we can be His children.

Now I'm no theologian, so maybe Tripp and Bo from Homebrewed Christianity can help me find the right words, but it's been said that Jesus, being the Word of God made flesh, is the full revelation of God. If we want to know who the Father is, we have to look to the Son. And when we read the Gospel, we learn through Jesus that God is pursuing us.

For example, there's the parable of the lost sheep. God is depicted as a shepherd who leaves his ninety-nine sheep to find that one lost sheep (Matthew 18:12-14). Then there's the parable of the prodigal son, where God is depicted as a father waiting for his wayward son to come home (Luke 15:11-32).

And then there's a little Bible verse you might have heard of that goes something like this:

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16)

So I'm afraid Mr. Driscoll is in error. God is holy, righteous, just . . . and He loves us.

"Not Alone" Is Availabe Now!

Remember a few months ago when I first told you about the Not Alone project? Well, I'm pleased to say it is now available for purchase!

Depression has a weird way of making you feel utterly alone. In your head, you know that millions of people struggle with depression, but in your heart you feel like there's no one else in the world that knows what you're going through. That's why it is so important that a book like Not Alone exists. It's through telling our stories that we realize that there are people out there, somewhere, who understand. It's through telling our stories that we find connection and healing.

And it's an honor for me to share my story in this collection!

You can order Not Alone either on Amazon or through the publisher, Civitas Press.